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sunsalutePSA voice: so you've joined your first exchange and don't want people to look at you funny for breaking unwritten rules.
The easiest way to figure out the 'culture' is to just hang out and accept that at some point, someone will gently pull you aside and politely say 'hey, just a heads up, [thing you just said] is a bit out of step here!'. Multifandom exchange places are generally pretty friendly, and full of people actively excited to help you out. A lot of them come with a little light-up trigger inside that turns on as soon as they think they can be helpful.
From hanging out and watching people get confused, here are a couple things that might be helpful to know. This is not exhaustive! Every single place will have their own norms and every exchange has their own rules! And there may well be people in the comments telling you to ignore X or Y, because comments are on and clarifications and corrections are welcomed.
The headings are:
Contacting Mods
When it might be needed:
I'd like to ask for an extension.
This varies by exchange, as some may have 'no extensions' in the rules. Flash exchanges in particular tend not to do them. If you do need to ask for one, find the mod's preferred contact method in the rules list (usually email or a dreamwidth comment). This template usually works: "Hello mods. I am [my username] and assigned to create for [recip username]. Could I request an extension of [number] days for my assignment? Thank you!" Please don't give a reason for the extention request. It doesn't make a difference to whether they grant it or not, and if it's something sad it'll just put emotional labour on the mod!
I'd like to ask my assigned recipient a question.
If you have a question such as 'I see you DNW x and I'd like to check if Y is too close to that DNW', you can contact the mod and they'll pass it along anonymously and get back to you with any response! This keeps your identity a secret until reveals. As a rule, you should not contact your recipient directly about their gift.
I got a gift that contains a DNW that I wrote in my signup DNW list.
You can contact the mod on their stated preferred method of communication to let them know! They'll come and have a look and might offer to send you to Emergency Pinch Hit, to get you another gift that fulfils your request. You can either accept or refuse this offer - there's no judgement on you either way.
I have my assignment and my recip has given really confusing DNWs!
If you're scratching your head because your recip has given vague/contradictory/unreasonable/railroady DNWs, please feel free to contact the mods! They can either help figure out what's going on by getting clarification from the recip for you, or tell you that the request for the Muppets overrules the puppet DNW. Always better to check before you start creating if there's any doubt!
I've been assigned something I didn't offer?
Sometimes the AO3 matching borks. If you've double checked and definitely ended up with a match that shouldn't have happened, absolutely contact a mod about it!
I haven't received a reply from the mods!
Frustratingly, there's no single 'good' amount of time to wait before chasing up a mod. They're volunteers doing this for fun and genuinely might not be checking the inbox very often, but the closer you get to the end of the exchange cycle, the quicker you'd expect a response. If you contact them at the start of the creation period with something like a DNW clarification, it's best to give them a week because they have to contact the recipient, wait to the reply, and then pick it up to reply to you. And I'll be real, sometimes recips just don't respond to these, so you might have to be prepared with something else... If it's a post-deadline message about a DNW-breaking gift you've been given, it's probably acceptable to send a second message 24 hours after the first, in case it got eaten.
(If the question is something easily answered like 'did I get assigned that pinch hit' or 'could you remind me when the exchange reveals now there have been delays', give the mod 48 hours to reply to allow for sleep, work, procrastinating on their assignments... all the important things in life.)
When it's preferred not to contact mods (unless otherwise specified in the rules):
I can't finish my assignment.
Defaulting before the deadline is absolutely fine! All you have to do is click the 'default' button on your assignments page and that's it, the mod will sort everything out with no reaching out required from you.
Signups and DNWs
It's considered rude to express preference for one particular ship, character or fandom if you've signed up with multiple. If your creator matched to you on Ernie and sees you talking about how you only really want Bert, who they don't know and can't create for you, that's bad feelings all round.
You can DNW whatever you want, as long as there's no judgement attached to it. Nobody needs a reason. Yes: "DNW oranges". No: "DNW oranges because I had an allergic reaction once and now I think about it every time I see oranges". No: "DNW oranges ew lmao".
Specific DNWs help. Yes: "DNW oranges. Exception: clementines are fine". No: "DNW any gross food".
If you DNW something conflicting with your requests you're going to have to clarify how you'd like that handled. If you make an impossible situation - such as requesting Sesame Street but DNWing puppets - you're not only going to look a bit silly but you probably won't get the gift you want because the mods will decide that the request overrides the DNW.
Posting and Fulfilling Assignments
There's a gap between assignments due and work reveals to allow for pinch hits. This date may sometimes be delayed until everyone signed up has a gift, but unless you've discussed picking up a post-deadline pinch hit with the mod, your work should be complete at the deadline. You're welcome to edit your work between posting and work reveals as long as the edited work still fulfils the assignment, but it is recommended to have everything finalised by the 'assignments due' date. The work should be marked as 'complete'. Don't promise further chapters or installments, as it can imply the gift is incomplete!
Exchanges have an anonymous period - this is when all the works are available to view, but nobody knows who has created what. This means that it's de-anoning to include social media links or thank a beta by name during this period, but it can be added once creator reveals have happened! If you're creating art or podfic, where the work usually contains a mark of the creator for protection (such as a watermark or spoken introduction), it's usually okay to keep it and people will pretend they don't see/hear it. If you're worried, you can usually reach out to a mod to check if they have any particular rules about this for their exchange.
Don't say negative things about yourself or your work ("I'm not really happy with this but I hope you like it" "This isn't my favorite ship and I don't know how to write them well"), or say that you put very little effort into the work ("I banged this out in ten minutes lol"), either in the author's note or in chat. It diminishes the recipient's enjoyment of the gift!
You're welcome to ask a friend to privately help beta your work. Mods care about keeping anonymity in public spaces such a big discords or social media posts, but they don't care what you say in private DMs.
Chatter and Discord
Reiterating here: don't say negative things about yourself or your work where your recipient might see it, even if you think you're being vague! It just makes everyone feel bad.
Until creator reveals, everyone stays as anonymous as possible. Saying 'just posted a 5,385 word work' or 'can't wait to hear what my recip thinks about the [ship] I drew them' in discord could de-anon you!
Unintuitive Systems Everyone Seems To Know How To Use Already
Dreamwidth
If an exchange requests comments on a Dreamwidth post as the preferred mod contact, you might be thinking 'well then everyone can see it and that de-anons me if I'm telling everyone I want an extension??' While comments show up immediately by default, there is an option to screen comments, which means that only the mods can see it. Any exchange requesting communication through Dreamwidth will (hopefully) have turned this setting on! You'll need a DW account if you're asking something that needs a reply, though.
AO3
New accounts on AO3 have the ability to recieve extra gifts turned off by default. They can recieve assigned gifts, but giving extra treats just for fun is a big part of many exchanges, and a button needs to be ticked to be able to recieve these! This setting is in your AO3 preferences -> Collections, Challenges and Gifts -> Allow anyone to gift me works.
Further Reading
Do Not Wants: A Discussion: a comprehensive look at DNWs from the Yuletide exchange mods (it's very good)
2025 Smut Wars Exchange Tutorial: a step-by-step tutorial for newcomers to exchanges from the Smut Wars mods (also very good)
Thanks
This was written with the help of of the Exchanges After Dark server! It's a collaborative project, so please feel free to grab or share any particular sections without worrying about attribution.
The easiest way to figure out the 'culture' is to just hang out and accept that at some point, someone will gently pull you aside and politely say 'hey, just a heads up, [thing you just said] is a bit out of step here!'. Multifandom exchange places are generally pretty friendly, and full of people actively excited to help you out. A lot of them come with a little light-up trigger inside that turns on as soon as they think they can be helpful.
From hanging out and watching people get confused, here are a couple things that might be helpful to know. This is not exhaustive! Every single place will have their own norms and every exchange has their own rules! And there may well be people in the comments telling you to ignore X or Y, because comments are on and clarifications and corrections are welcomed.
The headings are:
- Contacting Mods
- Signups and DNWs
- Posting and Fulfilling Assignments
- Chatter and Discord
- Unintuitive Systems Everyone Seems To Know How To Use Already (AO3 & DW)
- Further Reading & Thanks
Contacting Mods
When it might be needed:
I'd like to ask for an extension.
This varies by exchange, as some may have 'no extensions' in the rules. Flash exchanges in particular tend not to do them. If you do need to ask for one, find the mod's preferred contact method in the rules list (usually email or a dreamwidth comment). This template usually works: "Hello mods. I am [my username] and assigned to create for [recip username]. Could I request an extension of [number] days for my assignment? Thank you!" Please don't give a reason for the extention request. It doesn't make a difference to whether they grant it or not, and if it's something sad it'll just put emotional labour on the mod!
I'd like to ask my assigned recipient a question.
If you have a question such as 'I see you DNW x and I'd like to check if Y is too close to that DNW', you can contact the mod and they'll pass it along anonymously and get back to you with any response! This keeps your identity a secret until reveals. As a rule, you should not contact your recipient directly about their gift.
I got a gift that contains a DNW that I wrote in my signup DNW list.
You can contact the mod on their stated preferred method of communication to let them know! They'll come and have a look and might offer to send you to Emergency Pinch Hit, to get you another gift that fulfils your request. You can either accept or refuse this offer - there's no judgement on you either way.
I have my assignment and my recip has given really confusing DNWs!
If you're scratching your head because your recip has given vague/contradictory/unreasonable/railroady DNWs, please feel free to contact the mods! They can either help figure out what's going on by getting clarification from the recip for you, or tell you that the request for the Muppets overrules the puppet DNW. Always better to check before you start creating if there's any doubt!
I've been assigned something I didn't offer?
Sometimes the AO3 matching borks. If you've double checked and definitely ended up with a match that shouldn't have happened, absolutely contact a mod about it!
I haven't received a reply from the mods!
Frustratingly, there's no single 'good' amount of time to wait before chasing up a mod. They're volunteers doing this for fun and genuinely might not be checking the inbox very often, but the closer you get to the end of the exchange cycle, the quicker you'd expect a response. If you contact them at the start of the creation period with something like a DNW clarification, it's best to give them a week because they have to contact the recipient, wait to the reply, and then pick it up to reply to you. And I'll be real, sometimes recips just don't respond to these, so you might have to be prepared with something else... If it's a post-deadline message about a DNW-breaking gift you've been given, it's probably acceptable to send a second message 24 hours after the first, in case it got eaten.
(If the question is something easily answered like 'did I get assigned that pinch hit' or 'could you remind me when the exchange reveals now there have been delays', give the mod 48 hours to reply to allow for sleep, work, procrastinating on their assignments... all the important things in life.)
When it's preferred not to contact mods (unless otherwise specified in the rules):
I can't finish my assignment.
Defaulting before the deadline is absolutely fine! All you have to do is click the 'default' button on your assignments page and that's it, the mod will sort everything out with no reaching out required from you.
Signups and DNWs
It's considered rude to express preference for one particular ship, character or fandom if you've signed up with multiple. If your creator matched to you on Ernie and sees you talking about how you only really want Bert, who they don't know and can't create for you, that's bad feelings all round.
You can DNW whatever you want, as long as there's no judgement attached to it. Nobody needs a reason. Yes: "DNW oranges". No: "DNW oranges because I had an allergic reaction once and now I think about it every time I see oranges". No: "DNW oranges ew lmao".
Specific DNWs help. Yes: "DNW oranges. Exception: clementines are fine". No: "DNW any gross food".
If you DNW something conflicting with your requests you're going to have to clarify how you'd like that handled. If you make an impossible situation - such as requesting Sesame Street but DNWing puppets - you're not only going to look a bit silly but you probably won't get the gift you want because the mods will decide that the request overrides the DNW.
Posting and Fulfilling Assignments
There's a gap between assignments due and work reveals to allow for pinch hits. This date may sometimes be delayed until everyone signed up has a gift, but unless you've discussed picking up a post-deadline pinch hit with the mod, your work should be complete at the deadline. You're welcome to edit your work between posting and work reveals as long as the edited work still fulfils the assignment, but it is recommended to have everything finalised by the 'assignments due' date. The work should be marked as 'complete'. Don't promise further chapters or installments, as it can imply the gift is incomplete!
Exchanges have an anonymous period - this is when all the works are available to view, but nobody knows who has created what. This means that it's de-anoning to include social media links or thank a beta by name during this period, but it can be added once creator reveals have happened! If you're creating art or podfic, where the work usually contains a mark of the creator for protection (such as a watermark or spoken introduction), it's usually okay to keep it and people will pretend they don't see/hear it. If you're worried, you can usually reach out to a mod to check if they have any particular rules about this for their exchange.
Don't say negative things about yourself or your work ("I'm not really happy with this but I hope you like it" "This isn't my favorite ship and I don't know how to write them well"), or say that you put very little effort into the work ("I banged this out in ten minutes lol"), either in the author's note or in chat. It diminishes the recipient's enjoyment of the gift!
You're welcome to ask a friend to privately help beta your work. Mods care about keeping anonymity in public spaces such a big discords or social media posts, but they don't care what you say in private DMs.
Chatter and Discord
Reiterating here: don't say negative things about yourself or your work where your recipient might see it, even if you think you're being vague! It just makes everyone feel bad.
Until creator reveals, everyone stays as anonymous as possible. Saying 'just posted a 5,385 word work' or 'can't wait to hear what my recip thinks about the [ship] I drew them' in discord could de-anon you!
Unintuitive Systems Everyone Seems To Know How To Use Already
Dreamwidth
If an exchange requests comments on a Dreamwidth post as the preferred mod contact, you might be thinking 'well then everyone can see it and that de-anons me if I'm telling everyone I want an extension??' While comments show up immediately by default, there is an option to screen comments, which means that only the mods can see it. Any exchange requesting communication through Dreamwidth will (hopefully) have turned this setting on! You'll need a DW account if you're asking something that needs a reply, though.
AO3
New accounts on AO3 have the ability to recieve extra gifts turned off by default. They can recieve assigned gifts, but giving extra treats just for fun is a big part of many exchanges, and a button needs to be ticked to be able to recieve these! This setting is in your AO3 preferences -> Collections, Challenges and Gifts -> Allow anyone to gift me works.
Further Reading
Do Not Wants: A Discussion: a comprehensive look at DNWs from the Yuletide exchange mods (it's very good)
2025 Smut Wars Exchange Tutorial: a step-by-step tutorial for newcomers to exchanges from the Smut Wars mods (also very good)
Thanks
This was written with the help of of the Exchanges After Dark server! It's a collaborative project, so please feel free to grab or share any particular sections without worrying about attribution.
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